Much like probably every eldest daughter who grew up in an Asian household, I was born with an expectation to go above and beyond what would seem like the unreachable tasks for the generations that came before me. In chasing these, I admit I may sometimes get side-tracked and trade-off precious hours of sleep to conform to the ideals that were ascribed to my identity even before I was born. Not that I have anything against them though–I was provided the opportunities of today’s generation, so along with that comes responsibility.
Today, I honestly face a tantamouting amount of imposter syndrome–am I good? Does my work actually matter? Am I actually leading to something? So that’s why I wanted to create a failure resume–on more selfish intentions, to remind myself about how far I’ve come and how strong I’ve been for pushing through life’s failures. Now that I’m writing down my failures, I’m actually amazed at how much I want to fail more. All of these failures ultimately helped me to be the person I am today.
Outside those personal intentions, I want to share a piece of my heart and the imperfections that come along with my identity. My resume or LinkedIn profile would somewhat reveal only the most perfect aspects of myself, and not that I don’t see any value in them, but I genuinely believe that our ideals of today are bounded on choking pressures from society to reach a certain ordeal. I want to break that.
So, without further ado, here are my failures as of 2021 in no particular order. :) Also.. not a comprehensive list.
- Applied to an ~n amount of internships mid-year and didn’t get in. Although honestly, I should have gone for more.
- I honestly don’t get rejected much, so these were a bunch firsts for me. While the egotistic version of me would mindlessly snob these, I found power in acknowledging that these weren’t ‘Never’s; instead, they were ‘Not now’s. My portfolio still has a long way to go, and I have so much gaps in my knowledge.
- Tried out jumpstarting my UX career but decided to stop mid-way to re-prioritize. I created an idealistic roadmap but wasn’t able to finish. I mean––my idealistic self was creating the goal of finishing one post per day on top of still working. I overestimated my capacity for stress.
- Had a major career crisis deciding if I wanted to pursue design more if I should continue with OT. Ended up wantin to do both with fingers crossed about how that decision will take me.
- Had the worst eating habits throughout early 2020!
- Had a very terrible mental health crash from September onwards due to external strain and spaced out in a LOT of meetings
- Had to let go of a commitment because of the toxic environment
- Terrible sleeping patterns for months; had to buy sleeping pills just to regulate
- Had a very emotionally unstable year
- My grades were below the ground, and I’m not just saying that because I have a too-high expectation in myself. They were actually really too low.
- I failed a LOT of exams despite thinking that I was actually studying (the pain in failing exams hurts more when you know you actually put efforts into it)
- Deferred my position in ATO-CE to “focus on personal growth due to strain from freshman year”
- No org work at ALL during the first months of college— signed up for a lot stuff and was looking forward to THRIVING throughout college but was culture-shocked. Literally didn’t get in multiple orgs I was stalking before the year because I was excited to be part of them.
- I think I lost a social life. Had to tuck myself in my room and still get low scores lmao
- I didn’t fulfill my idea of having a get-together life when I arrived in college.
- I stopped working out and was eating unhealthy food as a form of emotional eating.
- Considered shifting out of UPM because I just wasn’t feeling myself anymore.
- Only reached up to the finals of the General Santos City Youth Achievers Award
- Didn’t receive a scholarship I wanted
- Had a project plan that didn’t pursue