I’ve forgotten what it feels like to just… be.
Today was remarkably peaceful. I played the piano (and surprisingly still know how), read stuff that didn’t require mental exertion, caught up with some friends, and took a nap (a nap!! finally!!!).
My task list today was empty. I still did some readings, but nothing was obligatory. I took full charge of my day. Just doing the things I wanted to do without worrying if I’d accomplish a task during the time block I allotted. I even have time to just write this post endlessly with random things that pop in my head.
Quite frankly, this is liberating.
Over the past weeks (months, honestly), I’ve been consciously hustling. I’m not at the brink of burning out or anything, and I am satisfied, elated even, with my current state, but I feel that my definition of peace relied on being unable to let my thoughts surface because I’m too occupied with other stuff. I consider myself reflective, but my moments of reflection are often stolen–like while I’m in the middle of a shower or working out, or finally winding down.
The world has become overwhelmingly busy, and slowing down seems to be incorrect.
During the first hours of the day, I was overwhelmed at how I didn’t have anything to do. What I am I supposed to do? Watch Netflix the whole day? Just sleep? Maybe study? Try to work? (but honestly, I really didn’t have any pending work at that time).
I was so bothered at the fact that I didn’t have any obligations to attend to or time blocks at that matter. I only had my one-hour daily workout time block, and the rest of my day was free. It appeared daunting, and it really wasn’t supposed to be like that.
Feeling “threatened” at my freedom showed that I was enslaved to my outward sense-seeking.
That my peace was conditional. That my reflections were silenced by the hustle of life.
This day reminded me that my life is not supposed to be solely governed by my responsibilites and obligations.
I exist first and foremost, and I must find peace in that.
This is a friendly reminder that life is not defined by your work.
I am genuinely in love with what I am doing, but I am fully aware that my identity is not defined solely by it. There are many aspects that define my identity, and self-actualization can only be unlocked when I find peace with the silence and simply reflect.. to just be.